Shortcomings

Two words sit
at the forefront of my brain:

‘understanding’ and ‘language.’

I’ve struggled with ‘understanding’
for a while now. She sits in the corner,
mocking and teasing and trying
to show me something,

something light in the darkness
of it all. Yet, the more
I gather, the more knowledge
I filter, the more it feels
like I’m wearing a straightjacket
of turquoise ribbons and
blood-red stitching.

How do we communicate
anything? How do we
listen and respond
when our ears and brains don’t
understand the shapes the others’
mouths form — the symbols
the others’ hands gesture?

I feel confined in my understanding
when the shapes and symbols
I make fall short.

What is language when no one
is there to receive? When no one
takes the time to learn — to teach?

Some language transcends
the common standards
of shapes and gestures.

There are few people
I understand through
the fanfare and
in the straightjacket
of turquoise ribbons
and blood-red stitching.

You are one of them,
whether you understand
or not.

If only more could hear
and see beyond the
shapes and gestures.
Perhaps, then
we’d come together.

October 11th.

It would be dramatic to say I feel lost,
but I do, in a way.
I feel and feel and feel and feel
until my bones go numb.

All I want is what was.
I shared my truth
after you did yours.

(As scary as it was,
I never understood how easy it would be.
That’s because of you. You
make it easy.)

I hate this impasse we’ve stumbled upon.
I’m struggling to find the right words.

(Could I have said more?)

I have a list, featuring
all of the things I would have shared
with you, in the last 24 hours, haunting my mind.

(It’s 22 items long. Funny coincidence, no?)

This is why I stepped back as much as I did,
because all of *this* might be too much,
even if you do not agree.

We talked about algebraic equations last week,
remember 2398 + sqrt(739)/42.133354?
I finally solved it.
2398.65
Isn’t it funny how it ended up nearly the same as the start?

Maybe that’s our path.
Maybe we are simply an algebraic expression
that brings us back to our beginning.

(Part of me hopes this is not true. I want to go forward,
forward at a crawl, walk, stumble, run — anything.
It isn’t entirely the same though,
maybe we are the 0.65.)

Our start,
was the day we stared at bugs and flowers,
ate wild blueberries,
and I quickly learned I wanted to know more.

I can’t say what will happen from here,
but I wait and think and feel.
Maybe, just maybe,
what you recognize in yourself,
is something so new, so beautiful,
that it will take time to understand.

(If you let me,
I’ll be there to help you understand.)