Dreams.

Dream you shared a dream with dream me —
there was no white picket fence,
but there was a house,
a small house with two porches.

Inside, there were only 3 rooms,
including the bedroom and bathroom.

You said I insisted on us having a round
dining table, like the knights.
Yet, it was almost always ovular, 1 or 2
extra leaves stuck into the middle
to fit your family.

Your grandmother taught me southern cooking,
and I taught her what not to do when baking.
She and I would garden together,
and you said I would make bouquets of vegetables
to bring to the neighbors.

Sometimes, you said,
I would climb out the bedroom window
to greet the sun, running
across the open field, barefoot.

I would stand, head raised to the sky —
a silhouette in the bright morning.

In those moments,
you would watch, gingerly
getting up from our shared bed
to stand at the window.

Always, you said, ready to run after me
if my knees gave way and I collapsed
in the shining grass.

You worried about that,
never knowing if my desire to be consumed
by light would actually kill me.

Sometimes though, you would run to me anyways,
and I would be so engrossed I wouldn’t hear you.
You ventured it was because I was listening
to another world, one quieter than ours.

You would come up, nevertheless, and
put your hand around my waist,
drawing me back to our world.

Your parents never understood this ritual,
seeing us from their kitchen window
as the coffee brewed,
but they did see love.

Gratitude.

I am grateful.

I am grateful for the moments we shared:
the laughter early in the morning;
the cold hands, always;
that day in the rain when
sopping wet clothes clung to our anxious frames.

But I’m also grateful for the moments we spent crying.
So much was shared between chokes of breath.

I am grateful.

I am grateful for the people I love
and who love me.
I am grateful for this life
and what she has yet to show me.

But I wanted to acknowledge you,
to show my gratitude, because
you were a candle in the dark of night,
guiding me from point A to B.

I’m still trying to find point B,
but a flame of my own is starting to burn,
and damn it’s bright.

Wildflower.

My heart feels ravaged
(that’s not true)
like the land after a wildfire.
(It beats, red-hot.)

It feels desolate, scorched.
(That’s more true.)

How I wish I could track this pain.

I’m tired of trying to understand
(but compassion bleeds
from my mouth with
every turn of my head).

Maybe my heart doesn’t feel like a wildfire,
(correct)

but more like a wildflower,
one that has survived the frost
and intends to keep living, defying
mother nature’s intentions.

To drown.

Today is heavy.

My skull feels full,
like an overflowing fish tank.

Akin to water spilling over the glass,
I feel something seep out of my ears, my nose, my mouth;
the substance trickling down my neck to soak my sweater.

I wish to rest my head upon your chest, to
breathe in the comfort of you in hopes it would stop
the war waging between my head and heart.

I know that won’t happen, both the resting and stopping,
but maybe six seconds would ease my affliction.

*This* is hard.

I have no timeline,
but I don’t think the pain is leaving soon.

It will continue to exist, and I
will learn what it feels like to drown.

Brilliance.

The fluorescent light shines desperately
outside the cobwebbed windows.

Blinding in design,
it knows nothing more than to attract
unsuspecting visitors.

Like a moth,
I’m drawn to the light.
Each headlight, each streetlamp,
even the sun,
I stare, seeking …

All I want is to be engulfed
in brilliant light — to be consumed,
wholly.

If I could be a source of warmth —
of light, of comfort, of security —
to anyone, I’d let them string me up
so my light could shine down,
useful.

I longed to be your light.

*Inspired by Mary Oliver



Moon.

A 4 am parkway visit to see a blood moon made me think of you.

We never took late night trips to the parkway,
but you were always so excited about the stars.

It was beautiful up there, and the stars,
the stars shined so brightly that it felt like they wanted to mark the occasion.
Did you know, this was the longest partial lunar eclipse in 580 years?

I wanted to invite you,
but knew doing so would be from a place of love and longing,
and I am working so hard to move forward from you.

I went with friends, and as we shivered in the early morning,
wrapped in car blankets, I thought of you and I,
and how happy I was to be there,
watching Earth cast a shadow across the moon,
humming songs from our moon playlist.

Blame.

Society has taught me that, in order to heal, I need to blame someone;
I need to justify my mental havoc externally.

But society never told me that blame doesn’t soothe; it doesn’t bring contentment.
It drips like a wet blanket draped around shoulders, chilling to the bone and ruining all that it touches.

Blame perpetuates the mental skirmishes. Weeks have felt like days as I’ve come to realize a month has passed.
How I wish to be righteous in my pain; how I wish society’s lesson on placing fault stuck.

Except, I’m no more right than you, and this lesson doesn’t apply.
If it was as easy as sliding on two-toned glasses to view the world in terms of right and wrong,
I’d be able to fit through the square hole designed by society.
I wouldn’t be out here, soft and awkward to hold, incapable of heeding society’s standards.

I see a reflection of myself in your eyes, and a reflection of you in each person you’ve touched.
I know that my pain is shared and taken and given in an ever-changing form.
My desire to blame is really a desire to heal, but society never prepared me for that.

I guess this is all to say,
I don’t blame you.

Me.

Signs of you exist everywhere.
My walls, my shelves, my music —
each physical and intangible characterization of me —
feel tarnished. Blighted.

If only these walls could speak;
they’d tell of the laughter
that emanated from us
as sweet sleep eluded our racing minds
and cold feet never warmed.

The windowsills, adorned with momentos,
carry the weight of my heart,
the power of the Nantahala river,
and the sweetness of a friend.

My sanctuary,
the metaphorical holy ground on which I spend
more time than I do with any human,
feels cluttered. So much of this place
I shared with you.
Too many songs remind me of you,
and too many favorites you introduced,
each one woeful in it’s own right, but even more so now.

I’ve cleaned but have not decluttered.
I don’t want to change the space,
but falling asleep to only dream of you
makes me wonder if a part of you
has never left this place.

Did you feel my pulse through the water yesterday?
A blue heron did, revealing herself to me, slowly.
Her mere existence gave proof of my ponderings,
and the truth rooted me to the rock I perched upon.

Maneuvering through this world
on legs that feel like twigs
and feet as heavy as cinder blocks,
I’m trying to see more and spin less.

Something.

I’ve thought long enough
to understand the root,
not of everything,
but at least this one thing.

I’d share it with you,
but it’s a bit personal.

I know,
I’ve shared personal experiences before,
but this one feels different.

It’s something that i don’t entirely want to admit,
layered with grief and desire and hopelessness.

I typically try to smother it,
coping mechanisms of sound-pigment-flesh
litter the floor.

It never leaves though,
just stays hidden long enough
to make me think otherwise.

I’m not sure what to do with it yet.
It feels like everything is slipping,
and if I loosen my grip, even a little,

I might cease to find the strength
to hold on again
and fall into the great unknown.

Separation.

I’ve nestled myself under the boughs of a tree,
each foot rooted in the dirt,
back resting gently on rough bark.

The sun is shining today,
warming my skin from an intense cold
that had penetrated through layers of
cloth-fear-grime-loneliness
to leave me heartbroken.

Right now,
the pain exists,
but I’m not trying to run from it.

Tomorrow, even 1 hour from now,
may be a different story,
but in this moment,
I’m sitting with the uncomfortableness.

My back is sore, eyes are puffy,
heart pumps out an unlikely rhythm,
but I feel the detachment.

It’s minor, so miniscule
that I have to focus to find it,
but it brings me solitude.

This line, the slightest degree of separation
between self and emotion,
reminds me that it is okay.

There is no running from pain.
It folds and unfolds,
hides and seeks.

My pain is akin to that of others.
I feel as they feel
across time and space,
outside human constructs.

I aim to turn my pain into compassion —
an acknowledgement of the past and future,
a placeholder for what comes next.